Narcissistic Abuse of Neurodivergent People
- Elle Dee
- Sep 9
- 5 min read
Updated: Oct 8
Content Note: This post discusses narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. If these topics are difficult for you, please read gently and take breaks as you need. At the end, you’ll find links to support services if you or someone you know could use them.
Being tangled up with someone who twists your words, rewrites your memories, and makes you doubt what’s real is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse of neurodivergent people - and you are not imagining it. You are not “too sensitive.” You are not the problem.
This abuse often begins with what feels like the deepest connection we’ve ever known. Someone finally sees us, celebrates our quirks, and says the things we’ve longed to hear. It feels like home. But slowly - sometimes so slowly you can’t see it at first - that home becomes a trap.
What you thought was love starts to feel like walking on glass. And every time you try to stand up for yourself, somehow you’re the one villainized.
Being neurodivergent doesn’t make you weak - it makes you open, empathetic, and real. Yet those same gifts can be twisted into vulnerabilities by someone who views kindness as something to exploit.
How narcissists target neurodivergent people
Narcissists know how to find people who will give more, forgive more, and keep trying to see the best in them. And we - because of who we are - often let them in. Not because we’re naïve, but because:
Literal communication styles mean we tend to take people at their word. “I’d never hurt you” sounds like a promise. For most people, it is. For a narcissist, it’s bait.
A strong sense of fairness drives us to explain ourselves. Without meaning to, we hand over a full instruction manual - right down to the things that hurt us most.
Patience with difference makes us excuse early red flags as quirks. We offer the acceptance we’ve always wanted for ourselves, not recognizing that their “quirks” are calculated to keep control.
When your reflex is to give people more time, more grace, and more understanding, a narcissist doesn’t see love. They see an open door.
Masking and narcissistic manipulation
Years of masking - hiding your natural responses to make others comfortable - train you to ignore your own discomfort. You learn to swallow the uneasy feeling in your gut and ask instead, “What do they need from me?”
Narcissistic manipulation thrives in that gap. They don’t need to teach you to doubt yourself - you’ve been doing that to survive for years.
Common scenarios:
You say, “That hurt me,” and they answer, “You’re imagining it” or “You’re too sensitive.” It hits a nerve because you’ve heard it before, from people who weren’t “abusers” but still didn’t understand you.
When you’ve spent a lifetime hearing criticism about your tone, facial expressions, or sensory needs, you start to doubt your own way of existing in the world. So when a narcissist denies your experience, it doesn’t just feel dismissive - it feels like confirmation that you’re fundamentally wrong for being yourself.
By the time you feel that something is deeply wrong, you’re already tangled in self-doubt. And that’s when they tighten the grip.
Gaslighting neurodivergent perceptions
Gaslighting is not just lying - it’s an assault on your sense of reality. For many neurodivergent people, that sense was already under attack long before the narcissist arrived. From childhood on, we’re often told we “misunderstood,” “overreacted,” or “got it wrong” when we were simply perceiving the world in our own way.
A narcissist takes that history and turns it into a weapon:
Memory disputes: “That’s not how it happened.” Over time, you stop trusting your own recall and start relying on theirs.
Emotional invalidation: “You’re overreacting” or “unstable.” They recast your feelings as evidence you can’t be trusted, even about your own life.
Perception reframing: They retell events so convincingly that you begin to doubt what you saw, heard, or felt.
Gaslighting doesn’t just distort a single moment - it corrodes the anchor you use to navigate your entire reality. And when you can’t trust your own mind, it becomes much easier for them to control you without ever raising their voice.
The empathy trap in narcissistic abuse
Your empathy is a superpower. But in the wrong hands, it’s a leash.
They tell you a heartbreaking story on your second date. They confide how “no one really understands” them. They cry just enough to make you feel guilty for pulling away.
And because you know the sting of being misunderstood, you stay. You try to love them into healing, even as they’re hurting you.
The truth: you can’t heal someone who’s using your compassion as currency. And the longer you try, the more of yourself you spend.
Setting boundaries to protect neurodivergent safety
This is not something to “wait and see” about. Narcissistic abuse doesn’t get better. The longer it continues, the more it rewrites your mind and convinces you that you can’t trust yourself.
You don’t have to become hard or closed-off to be safe. You just need to put boundaries around your generosity.
Start here:
Write it down. If something feels wrong, record it in your own words - right away.
Trust your body. That knot in your stomach is data. Listen to it before you talk yourself out of it.
Have reality-check allies. One or two trusted people you can call who will say, “No, you’re not crazy. That’s not okay.”
Separate compassion from access. You can care about someone’s pain without letting them into your mind, your time, or your heart.
Final word
If any of this feels familiar, hear this: you are not broken. You are not “too much.” And you are not imagining it.
Being neurodivergent means you feel deeply, love sincerely, and see the world in ways most people never will. Those are not weaknesses - they are rare and irreplaceable gifts. But not everyone should be allowed to touch them.
You get to decide who deserves to be close to you - and you never have to justify making your emotional safety, peace of mind, and self-respect the standard you measure by. This choice isn’t about hurting anyone else. It’s about protecting what’s yours to protect.
--Elle
Crisis Resources
If reading this has stirred something for you…You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be believed. If you’re in a situation that feels wrong or unsafe, or you just need to hear another human voice who understands, there are people ready to listen - day or night.
LGBTQ+–Focused Support
The Trevor Project - Call 866-488-7386 or text “START” to 678-678 (for LGBTQ+ youth, 24/7, confidential)
Trans Lifeline - US: 877-565-8860 | Canada: 877-330-6366 (peer support run by and for trans people, 24/7)
LGBT National Hotline - Call 888-843-4564 (confidential peer support for all ages, LGBTQ+ focused)
Domestic Violence & Crisis Support
United States: National Domestic Violence Hotline - Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788 (24/7, confidential)
United Kingdom & Ireland: Women’s Aid - Call 0808 2000 247 (24/7, confidential)
Australia: 1800RESPECT - Call 1-800-737-732 or chat online (24/7, confidential)
Canada: Sheltersafe - Find local shelters and helplines
Find help worldwide: International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
If you’re not ready to call, that’s okay. Even looking at these numbers is a step toward something better.
Want to explore beyond the narcissistic abuse of neurodivergent people?
This space is still new, but it’s already full of big questions, half-formed truths, and stories that might sound a little like yours. If you’re curious where to go next, here are a few places to wander:
Or, if you just want to be here quietly. No pressure. No performance. I love that you’re here. |
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