Learning Each Other in Real Time
- Elle Dee
- Jan 5
- 3 min read
Updated: Jan 15
Part 2 of a 7-part companion series to The Narcissism Files.
As the rush of meeting each other settled, the relationship didn’t lose that coziness I loved.
But it did change texture a bit.
We were no longer learning each other from a place of newness.
There was more time together.
More conversation.
More ordinary moments.
Early Relationship Misalignment
Moving forward brought new questions.
The questions weren't worrisome, but they mattered.
They were the kind that surface when habits collide and expectations start taking shape.
Concerns were named.
Misunderstandings were worked through.
The relationship absorbed the friction and kept going.
Watching us treat each other with care was reassuring.
I'd experienced relationships where the rules of decency were suspended during conflict.
Every conversation with Mara reassured me that worry wouldn't apply to us.
Solving Problems Together
Our conversations kept broadening and deepening.
As we continued opening up to each other, we talked about our functional needs and different ways we each processed the world.
We explored what each found helpful in difficult moments.
What hindered.
The strengths that saved us.
The vulnerabilities that put us at risk.
We traded explanations on what's helpful in navigating difficult moments and what can make them harder.
We each listened closely.
Both interested. Engaged.
The relationship felt exactly as I imagined it should.
I trusted that time and effort were doing their jobs.
When Resolution Outpaces Understanding
There were still questions to answer.
These weren't coming from conflicts or fears.
Nothing dramatic was happening.
My biggest concerns didn't even focus on Mara.
A few months in, I started feeling confused by some of my own behavior.
I'd noticed I was struggling to keep up with some of our conversations.
And it was happening more often as time passed.
We'd begun "settling" situations between us before I felt fully settled about them within myself.
Most interesting to me was that it didn't seem to be happening against my wishes. As long as Mara was actively walking me through her thoughts, they seemed on point.
They seemed relevant to the conversation.
They addressed the problem.
Solved the issue.
Met our needs.
But afterward, I'd struggle to make the same sense of what she'd explained.
I'd struggle with the logic.
I'd lose the cohesion.
Or even how it served us.
It didn't seem like a relationship problem then.
I needed more from our conversations.
Clearly that was mine to make happen.
I committed to doing exactly that and moved forward.
Feeling grateful our challenges felt so manageable.
Trusting the Process
These patterns repeated throughout that first year.
My comfort and sense of safety settled into themselves.
Trust was still growing but the roots felt like they'd grabbed hold.
I started believing in our processes more.
Relying more heavily on them.
Becoming less reactive to my own internal protections.
Our relationship felt normal and common and uninteresting.
It was full of all the typical first year things.
Both the kind I loved experiencing and the kind I grew from experiencing.
It wasn't perfect or even nearly so.
But it felt solid enough at this point that moving in together made it into conversation.
It seemed a logical next step.
🤎Elle
Part 2 of a 7-part companion series to The Narcissism Files.
This piece is part of a larger documented project called The Narcissism Files, which traces what unfolded as we learned each other why that matters.
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Want to keep exploring how early misalignments can pass as misunderstandings in new relationships?
The Bigger Project Some of the themes explored here - false sense of emotional safety, gaslighting, and early relationship misalignment - are examined more fully in The Narcissism Files, an ongoing written project about narcissistic abuse and neurodivergent vulnerability. It’s not a guide or a recovery plan. It’s an attempt to name what happened clearly and without sanitizing or reframing it. You can explore the project here: |
Process Statement
This post was written entirely by the author, without AI involvement. Every word, structural decision, formatting choice, and punctuation mark reflects the author’s own process and intent.
The formatting on this site is intentional. Short lines, generous spacing, and visual breaks are used to reduce cognitive load and reading fatigue, especially for autistic and neurodivergent readers.
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